Flashback January

It would sound so much cooler as Flashback February but the idea is already in motion. Oh well, there is always next year.    

So since in January we are in hibernation, there is not much to post and Ryan is working a lot and I have a lot of time on my hands, I thought I would do some flashback posts. I feel like blogs are slowly becoming a thing of the past, but for some reason I am way behind and still really enjoy doing it even when I know it is mostly for me and my family. So since that is the case, I feel like not a lot of people read this and I can be more personal without feeling like I'm being showy, because it's mostly for my history anyway. 

Long story short, I start with this flashback that I have been contemplating doing a for a while. The topic was brought up over dinner tonight by my daughter and I was really direct and honest and I thought that it is a crucial part of my family's history so why not mention it. Also, I need to make note that the combination of pregnancy and being alone with my thoughts isn't good. So I apologize in advance. 

Tonight Sam was holding his brown bear while eating dinner. I told him to be careful to not spill ketchup on his bear and Kate chimed in and said "Yeah, because it's special." She immediately paused and I could see her sorting it out in her little head why it was special. Then out loud she said that we didn't get the bears when Sam was born because Sam was there and then there was a little more figuring it out and then a conclusion was reached that we got the bears at a doctor's appointment. She looked at me for confirmation and I said, "Actually, we got those bears in the hospital when we lived in Utah. I had a baby there, but the baby died." Kate looked at me with sad eyes and said "Really? That is so sad." We went on to talk about it and I told her the cool thing is that you have another brother or sister in heaven waiting for you. All of the things we read at the time said to be really honest with Kate and it's interesting that last year we thought she got it when she stopped asking, but that tonight sitting at the table she knew that the bear was special but she just couldn't remember why. 

The quick details are that I was pregnant and had a due date of April 2012. At 16 weeks (2nd trimester) I went in for an ultrasound to check on the baby due to a symptom I was having and mostly to calm my nerves and unexpectedly found out that there wasn't a heartbeat. I was sent home and came back the next day to be induced to deliver the baby. The heavy details have been tucked away nicely in my journal to be read once a year. 

The kids with their bears that were given to them through some sweet boy's Eagle project.

We went through the first few days with a lot of gratitude, thinking well at least we had time to be alone with the baby, or at least we had this or at least we have that and that helped. Knowing about the Plan of Salvation helped us out immensely as well. The weird thing is how no one really talks about miscarriages and then you go through one and so many people can relate. For me talking to people about it was great therapy, probably not for them though. That experience was something that is embedded in the Ryan and Laura Stephens family history and it felt weird not sharing it with people. It was one of those events in life that change you and it felt weird not to mention it.

Anyway, I have been learning and am continuously learning that life is really hard. Everyone is dealt trials and no one is exempt from them no matter how perfect their life appears at church, their blog or where ever else you can find comparisons. We are all just trying to make it. Lately, I have been thinking of my testimony of gospel principles and why I believe the way I do. I am not a very deep thinker and I don't have all of these profound thoughts, so my thought process goes like this: Life is hard, it's really hard, there are so many things I do not understand and if there is a thing called heaven, a chance to live again and reap the blessings from living this life, then I am going to believe in it. For me, it would be a dark place if I didn't have that hope. If I didn't believe that all of the pain, all of the trials and hardship would be worth something in the end, I would be miserable. Just the thought alone that I will one day see that baby again, makes it all worth it and worth it to believe there is life after death. 

I really hope this all makes sense, to me it does and since this blog is for me and my children who are also a little crazy like me, I'm sure it will make sense to them.

And don't worry, none of the other flashbacks will be as intense as this one. Let the light-hearted blog posts commence.